Illusion (Автор: Lil_Bit)

[Naisica]

Автор: Lil_Bit

Illusion
Time: Somewhere between 7x22 and 5x01
Inspiration (ok, maybe it’s a wrong word here): last interview with JM
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine

That’s it. He was falling into the swirl of darkness and light combined in weird impulses cutting each other into little sparks and somber spots, somehow shattered his personnality, fragmentated it and assambled again but changed fragments order and they were just emerging from that strange combination, freezling into numbness of his unconsciousness for the second that lasted eternity and making him feel like he exists in each of them again and somehow can observes himself simultaniously. As if he was falling down, flying up and suspended between nowhere and everywhere at the same time. And above that all he still was feeling her burning touch, her fingers squeezing him as if she had got a cramp and wasn’t able to let his hand go without someone’s help. As if she had tried to tie him to life he hadn’t had for the bloody eternity, and tears in her eyes were like a silver threads that were holding him like they were ropes and not just an optical illusion of her weakness and unwilleness to let him do the right thing just that only time. And he sensed her death wish at that moment, it floated with those three words he had heard from her only in the craziest dreams in which they had been not them but normal people who had right to be happy and live and have children and do all kind of normal staff. “No, You won’t dye, luv. This time you got me to do it” – thoughts were flashed by, making him feel dizzy. And he pushed her with sharp words hurring to do it before it would be too late. She ran away finally and he laughed feeling like his soul devoured and consumed him and the hellmouth. And then darkness and then these fragments of memory, painful and bright, and no way and will to stop them. So he just hangs out between death and earth and watches his own life.

The smell of her skin and hair was overwelming. It evoked in him that lost wish to be alive again and hurried to suppres it, to forced it to the dark conner of his brain and tried to concentrated on thinking about how happy he was holding her for the second time. Her eyes were opened and looking in herself not at him. He wandered what she was thinking about. Probably about great battle. All in her responsibilities. She was the best slayer the world ever had. And she was the only light in his life. He closed his eyes at the thought and recalled every curve of her body in memory, feeling of her gentle fingers brushing his cheek, eyes searching for…For what? What she was searching in him? Pain killer? Support? Protection? Inspiration for tomorrow’s battle? He didn’t know. That didn’t matter anymore. He got that funny feeling into his guts that tomorrow he would be dead. That would make things easier for her, give her a possibility to move on. She was strong. She didn’t need to be protected. He repeated those words again and again, because he needed to believe in them. Suddenly he found himself in a huge cave full of bright light. SUN light. Somehow he knew that it wasn’t harmful for him anymore. He just felt himself in the right place doing the right thing. He made a few steps looking for anybody or anything and felt that the earth under his feet rocked and freezed again. Strange. He did one more slow step and waited. Nothing happened. But the feeling of doing right thing was gone. Now he felt himself lost and lonely. Got find a way out from here. Suddenly he saw a dark figure in the distant conner of the cave and ran there. Wait, the cave was full of light a moment before! Everything was changing too fast loosing its shape and colour but all what he wanted was to find out who was in that conner. Everything depended on this. So he kept running trying not to look around. Finally he was there. The face emerged from the darkness and he realised who it was. Dru. “Wanna be free and fly, honney?” smiled she. And the darkness exploded into light for a one short moment and everything disappeared

Next second he was standing in the dark street looking for Buffy. Her scent was weak but he still could track it.What had they done to her? How could them? He felt the blind fury sped up his blood. Bloody hell! Better not think about them now. Need to find her as fast as possible. Wandering what she was doing at the moment. Possibly went to that place alone to get herself killed. The cold fear made him almost run down the empty streets. What if he was late already? No, she had been smart enough not to go there. She had come into that house. Spike tried the door it opened easily and he rushed into the room. There was no light in the house, no sound of living being. It looked abandoned hours ago, but he knew she was here and he knew that she had cried
…She slept in his arms. Her head on his chest. He was looking at her already calm face and felt like he was falling down into the deep well for ages and the bottom was coming to him closer and closer but still he couldn’t reach it. He was falling into her. The borders were flickering and shifting, her and his pangs were interlacing, her dispair was dissolving into his, and he was scared like a child. That meant the world at the moment but could mean nothing in the morning. He had made himself believe that he couldn’t make her happy and that to be near to her and to help her that’s everything he could count on. That was painful but he believed that was right thing to do and that gave him strength. If he had that support and let himself have hopes for something bigger between them and those hopes had been killed in the morning would he have been strong enough to remain her pill? She was dependant on him at the moment she craved for his support and she let him to come so close like nobody before. But the morning could tear that connection like a thin thread…The night had been always his only time The sun would dust not only him but his heavens as well…Didn’t want to fall asleep not to waste a sec of being there with her…

- Wanna be free and fly, my sweet boy? – Dru’ voice flied with the wind and echoed in his head breaking into thousands tingling rings. Where was she? The bright light hurted his eyes and blurred the contours of the reality.
-The stars are shouting to me. Make them stop make them silent my dear boy and we will fly.Gimme your hand or you can be lost forever.
-Where are you? Bloody hell what game are we playing here? Think I went nuts…
-No, you are just dreaming honney. Dreaming about me, stars and eternity. Lost himself in the day, poor poor child. You turned behind the wrong conner and was caught by the fire. Follow my voice then…
Whatever – thought Spike and let her words lead him. The light became thicker and deeper and he almost felt how it was heaving around him, waves were coming one after another and again appeared that strange feeling that the light was inside of him penetrating into the world through his skin. Suddenly it became very painful for him and he passed out.

-Don’t be lost, honney. Stars are angry with you. No singing, only cries. I’m afraid to become deaf. Don’t let them to do it! – Her voice got familiar histarical tints and he reacted almost instinctively
-Calm down, luv. I made your stars shut up. Where to go?
-Oh, we already here. Sweet warm tomb from your fairy tales. Look isn’t it nice?
And he saw it. Causy house, comfy room and her. Pensive face, book in hands – he had never seen her before reading - silly thought suddeny struck him.
-How…
-Hush. Or the walls will fall down. – whispered Dru.
Spike wached her reading silently, afraid to lose the picture and get nightmareas instead dreams. She turned the page and signed, frowning funny. Then closed and put it on the table near. Instead she took a framed picture and looked at it with smile. There was a guy in it. Smiley guy. Solid and normal. Like she always wanted. At least it isn’t a poof – second silly thought. The phone rang and she gave a start, then lift the handset quickly. Happy wide smile. He could only see her lips moving changing her face expression from happy to convincing. Who she is trying to convince? Probably her new lover…She looked happy, no, she was happy. What? How many times he should repeat that word to himself to actually believe in this? No way she would mourn over his precious self. Always knew it. Never doubted in it. Still it was painfull and sudden. But he was glad she managed to change her destiny, to receive what she lacked so badly – that normal life.
-What hunney don’t like your fairy tale now? Someone intrude into your tomb? laughed Dru. –She knife-fed you and you still got some hopes for her palms? Aren’t you a good pet? You even don’t need to be caged any more. She let you walk in streets and play with butterflys. But you remember how to be whild, grr. - Spike felt her body pressed to his back tight but couldn’t see her. She put her head on his shoulder and whispered:
-Come with mommy. Release your animal.
He made a step from her and burst out laughing.
-To let you domisticate me again? No, luv, not interested. I’d better be stuck in nowhere for sodden ever. Find you new toy, Dru. Anyway that all is just my illusion. If I closed my eyes you’ll disappear.See you in hell, luv.
And everything fade to black

…Buffy closed the book. In five minutes Ronny’ll be here. He’ll bring her flowers and some foolish sweet present. She will smile to him, they’ll have dinner and make love. Tomorrow morning she’ll go to work. Everything is perfect. Normal town, where nobody belives in vampires, smiley boyfriend, interesting job. She should be happy. No, wait, she is happy. That strange emptiness inside won’t spoil her life. Her cries in dreams it’s just…side-effect. You know, she used to fight to release negative emotions and now she just needs time to figure out a new way. It sounds lame even in her head. Well, got some problems with terminology, that’s all.
She openes the closet and takes stake from the chest Xander made for her. Wood feels so farmiliar and warm. That what she lacks too.
-Darling, I’m home!
She puts stake back into the chest and smiles. She is happy.
Later she’ll have the dream. About him. It’s always about him. When she tries to cry “I love you!” but can’t tell anything. And he’ll die again and again not knowing that it was true. Every night. And every morning she’ll tell herself that it’s time to move on, willl put happy smile on face and live.

Dru whisperes in her dreams and giggles:
-Everybody lives in bubbles. Nobody’s got the power to ruin their colourful safety bubbles.

At the same moment Spike opens his eyes in the lab.